You never know what you have till its gone && that’s why I always run back to him. He is the one guy that can make me happy when I’m crying. Make me laugh when I’m so mad I want to kill the world & he is the one guy that actually cares about me.
Many will say this will say that me going back is going to be a mistake. It might be.. But it might not be. He is the only one that listens to me.
He cares.
I’m good enough for him.
Why?
Tonight I had an amazing heart to heart with a friend of mine.
They asked “why don’t you have a boyfriend?”
I answered with my typical
‘why would I!?’
there response “Macy your a nice girl vey attractive and have so much going for you, but you let one douche bag hold you down. Let him go. You’re amazing”
It made me think a lot, ya I’m attracted to douche bags.
But truthfully I don’t know how i put up with that shit. I ask myself that all that time. Because I ‘love him?’
But really why don’t I date someone? Because I’m not good enough.
Now a days all people think about is “how cool that person is or there reputation or what people will think”
Sometimes when I ask why I dont have a boyfriend I always find myself thinking about how I never really had that ‘father figure’ and that’s made me feel like I don’t need a man in my life.
Just makes me think a lot
I could blog about this all day. But I won’t.
I’ll just keep asking ‘why?’
Because I’m not good enough.
I feel great.
I spent all day with my best fiend in the middle of no where and laid out on top of my car & took a trip to dalts packed all my stuff, got begged to stay I gave him one look and told him to go to hell, then went and worked out.. I feel great!!
Tonight I have no idea but I caved. I fell for his trick.
Dalton text me saying come to my place babe. So I went. I get there and him Bryce and trever ( who was passed out) and two 8th grade girls were there. I was pissed. I can’t stand him drunk. He tells me they are going to magoos (15 miles out) house I told him I would drive them out there because they are in no shape to drive. “Yea, fuck no.” He said. So we carried Trev down the stares put him in dalts car and the two 8th grades got in with me because they didn’t want to die including bryce so we take Trev & the girls to trevs house. I drove right behind dalt.. As he was swerving bad. I was pissed/ worried he just got his license today. We had to run to dalts moms and I went in to see her because I love her. I told her not to let him drive so those two got in a fight and he got pissed at me. So Bryce & I went to my car and waited for him. As Bryce and I sat there we talked about how i put up with how dalt treats me. I began to cry and then dalt came out and refused to get in my car till I stop crying and that pissed me off even more so I began I cry more. We finally got on the rode after him yelling at me to stop. Then all of a sudden he pulls out alcohol… In my car… While I’m driving. So I got pissed I didn’t say anything because that just not like me. But all the way there he turned the music high and kept slapping my arm && leg. I actually have a mark still from him slapping me. When we got there I got out and got super light headed and began to shake and couldn’t walk so dalt carried me in to the house and began to yell at me for ruining there night I told him I had to pee so I got up and walked to the bathroom and shut the door no more then 2 seconds later he barged in and grabbed my arm and ripped me out of the house and threw me on the ground and began to yell at me because I’m worthless & I ruin everything & he never did love me. And it went on and on & every time I went to get up he’d push me back down. I went to call someone and he grabbed my phone and threw it & then Locked my keys in my car and said “walk home cunt”
I guess I was a fool for thinking he has changed.
&& this is why I don’t date.
Friends with benefits.. Great right?
It’s great for me anyhow. I don’t want an actual relationship, I don’t want to have to worry about hurting him or him hurting me or getting fucked over or him cheating or getting played or staying up thinking about him. I don’t want any of that.
I want the benefits. I want someone that will care about me, and listen to me and to cuddle with and all those other fantastic things But all that could lead to me falling for him. So what is it that I really want?
Weight of the matter
123 pounds and a half at five foot three, I was happy and proud of my weight. I wanted to stay at this weight so I decided to eat less & work harder. I stopped eating breakfast and later on lunch. “I wasn’t even hungry?” I would tell myself. Now at the weight of 96 pounds I hear my doctor talk to my mon about how I’m not healthy in his ‘concerned voice’ ” Vicky this is real, she needs help.” my mom sat there and cried and cried to the point where tears could no longer fall from her blue eyes. On our drive home she talked about how she failed at being a mother and she is the reason for this. In all reality it’s not even close of being her fault. She cried all the way home & I just sat there & did not speak one word & just looked out the window.
A nutritionist, a physician, a therapist, and a weigh-in. Every week.
&& I failed my mom.
